First Sergeant's Wife

During my husband's fairly long, ongoing career in the Army, he has moved through several units and positions. I have been blessed with the fantastic job of a stay at home parent throughout all of it.  I’ve come to love the adventure of moving to wherever the Army takes us and I fully embrace the challenges that come with this life of transience.  What I have not come to love are the relationships that come with my husband’s line of employment.  

There have been a few friendship gems along the way, but more often than not, I come up empty-handed in that department specific to the wives of my husband’s co-workers.  For a long time I thought it was just me.  There is some truth to that sentiment; I’m a self-confident loner who has never really been drawn to social events, but I do actually like people quite a bit and, if I may say so myself, I’m fun!

Look how young we were when he joined!

The other option was that it was my husband’s fault I wasn’t making friends with the spouses.  He is rather cantankerous.  Ha!  He’s not really… most of the time.  My husband is a goal driven, hardworking, exacting type of fella.  This has earned him quick promotions and great working relationships… and some very bitter working relationships.  


Weighing these two options, I’ve come to the conclusion that my husband is indeed the source of my lack of military wife friendships.  It’s not so much his personality as it is his job titles and his work ethic.  


My husband is a good soldier.  He works hard to make things better. He goes to work early and comes home late.  He tries to be a servant leader in every way and probably fails from time to time because… he’s human.  He changes the way things work in the hopes that things will run more smoothly.  He wants his soldiers and his leaders to succeed and feels real sorrow when they disappoint him.  He behaves like a father and a mother to those under him, but not like an overlord; some soldiers resent this, some love it.  I, as his wife, respect it.  But when it comes to me making friends within his units, I don’t know what to do with it.  


Being who he is and having the responsibilities he has makes it difficult for me to befriend the wives of his co-workers. My husband sometimes tells soldiers that they are failing the unit.  Their wives don’t like that.  That makes me an undesirable friend.  Imagine if my husband disciplined or reproached your husband.  That’s not fun.  What makes it worse is when your husband deserved the criticism, which is usually the case.  And what if your husband worked with my husband and had been running his section of the unit “well enough” for some time and my husband came in and upturned the apple cart, inadvertently making your husband feel that he had been lacking in some way?  That doesn’t feel good and you certainly wouldn’t be on a mission to befriend me. What if my husband directly told your husband that he was overweight and had to get into shape or he would start the process of removing him from military service?  Now, my husband does not enjoy doing that, but he supports the Army’s fitness standards; to be even more honest, I do too.  Even if your spouse knew he could do better, that’s not the sentiment he’s most likely to share with you, his wife.  He’s most likely going to complain that he’s a victim in some way.  I promise, you wouldn’t want to be my friend if my husband called yours out for weighing too much or not being able to run fast enough.  None of these situations makes me prime friend material.

I know it sounds like I think my husband is fantastic and other husbands stink.  I mean, I do think he's great, but he’s not perfect.  He gets frustrated, stressed, tired, grumpy, and sometimes he’s downright negative about everything, but that’s where I come in. It’s my job to support him and to only be honest with him.  If I think he’s being too harsh, I let him know that.  If I think he’s starting unnecessary trouble, I tell him that too. If he’s not invested enough or he’s too invested, I coax him toward a more healthy level of involvement.  I also keep my nose out of his business when it’s needed.  I’m support personnel for this First Sergeant.  It’s a lonely position.

The few co-worker spouse friends I’ve had throughout my husband’s time in service have been a blessing.  I look forward to finding a few more before he’s done with the Army.  I’ll keep my eyes and my heart open, but I won’t hold my breath waiting.  It’s just not an easy job being First Sergeant’s wife.